They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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