Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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