it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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