Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
