remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
my liver is dry heaving
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
