Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
