It's Friday. Sex?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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