Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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