Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
