Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
