I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize