I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think my fart just growled at me.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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