Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
