my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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