Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
