I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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