Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
