I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
