I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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