The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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