i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
