Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
