Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
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