he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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