My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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