All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
