literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
