Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
