Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
