Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
