im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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