I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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