When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
