I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
