I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
