I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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