so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
