Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
