if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
