Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I fill condoms, not promises.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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