Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
