Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
