on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
