I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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