I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize