We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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