Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
