also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
