how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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