I think i sorta joined a cult last night
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
