shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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