I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
