Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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