i would punch a child for taco bell
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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