did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
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