Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
