He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
