I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
