She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
