I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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