I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize