we made out on top of his cat.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
