I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
