clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
