mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
