I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I love you. Go after that dick
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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