Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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