proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Randomize
