i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
