For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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