i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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