i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
