I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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