She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
