DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
