There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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