apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
