so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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